The most powerful (and loving) words you might say today.
So often, we find ourselves in a situation at work, at home, or in a close relationship where things just are not going the way we thought or hoped for…
We find ourselves:
Ruminating and thinking about it WAY more than we want to admit, or
We just flat out try to ignore it by distracting ourselves in any way possible, or
We are in denial by telling ourselves we are overreacting, it is not that bad, or
Wait! The best strategy of all is to just try harder and hope that things will get better.
If you could relate to one of the above, I have one question for you: How is this working out for you? Usually, the answer is: It is NOT working out particularly well for ourselves (and most likely not for others involved either)!
Challenges, setbacks, and unresolved issues are a natural part of life. Everyone goes through them. The difference lies not in who experiences them but in how we choose to respond.
Facing Reality
Dr. Henry Cloud reminds us that we cannot begin to change what we haven’t faced or accepted as our current reality. Real life happens in real time to real people. We can’t grow or change if we hide from reality through denial, distraction, or minimisation. The turning point comes when we simply acknowledge: “Something here isn’t working.”
That moment of honesty and acceptance is the beginning of real change.
The Courage to Say “I Don’t Know”
At first glance, this might be uncomfortable. But often, we stay stuck not because we’re incapable, but because we’re unwilling to admit we don’t know what to do next.
We fall into the trap of “I need to look like I have it all together.” We fear that admitting uncertainty means we’ve failed, or worse, that something is wrong with us.
But here’s the truth: Admitting we don’t know isn’t a flaw—it’s a doorway.
Declaring our ignorance or incompetence in a specific area isn’t about our self-worth or identity. It’s about stepping into learning. It allows us to unlearn what no longer serves us and to open ourselves to new perspectives and ways of being.
Every shift in behaviour, every meaningful change, starts with a declaration of “I don’t know”.
Growth Happens in Conversation
Learning begins when we accept reality and acknowledge our limitations. And because we are social and conversational beings, growth often unfolds in conversation.
Learning is deeply rooted in conversations, especially the ones we’ve been avoiding.
So let me ask you:
What (internal) conversation are you not having with yourself?
What conversation are you not having with someone else, and about what?
These conversations may feel uncomfortable. But they are the birthplace of change, courage, and possibility.
In ontological coaching, we call the realisation of “This isn’t working” a breakdown. And every breakdown is an opportunity for growth.
So my encouragement to you is: declare the freaking breakdown! :))
On a more serious note, you might be doing yourself and others a favour by declaring "This isn't working". We influence and change any system we are part of by shifting our own way of being first.
Until next time, Carine
